All teed up

On celebrity graphic tees and saying it with your chest

I once believed graphic tees were tacky. Here was a tow-headed 10-year-old, sheltered to the point of thinking Disney World was the entire state of Florida, who vehemently did not do a few things: eat fruit or condiments, use swear words, or wear shirts that conveyed messages. I loved Mary-Kate and Ashley’s “Billboard Dad”; I did not want to wear a billboard on my body.

I now have a stack of graphic tees so high it threatens to topple every time I open my closet. I think my early distaste stemmed from some preconceived notion that I should participate in conversations, not lead them with my chest. Perhaps I knew, too early, that it was easier to blend in than stand out—especially as a girl.

Celebrities stand out by definition. No amount of baseball caps or wordless wardrobes can throw a hungry paparazzi off the scent. So when a celebrity chooses to wear clothing with a clear message, the results can break the Internet—or, for the pre-Internet cases, simply break people’s brains.

I strolled down a star-studded memory lane to unearth some memorable chest message moments:

Paul Newman, King of Cool, wearing a “get really stoned, drink wet cement” tee while holding four beers at his Connecticut home in 1981. I felt like a stoner for not getting this right away. Then the joke became more concrete 😏

I own the remake of Princess Diana’s black sheep sweater, but this one is also iconic. The back says “FEW CAN AFFORD.” Prince Charles, who insisted on keeping three people in the marriage, was overdrafted.

In 2002, Julia Roberts’s then-boyfriend (now husband) Danny Moder was still married to his first wife, Vera Steimberg. Vera reportedly refused to sign divorce papers, so Julia stepped out in this DIY t-shirt (ft. an…attempted pun? Strange to bring a soothing evergreen plant into this but go off, Jules). Months later, Vera capitulated and Julia and Danny tied the knot in New Mexico. Julia got some flack for this low blow but later told Oprah “I stand by my t-shirt.” Very Julianne Potter in My Best Friend’s Wedding coded.

Britney Spears in a Juicy Couture DUMP HIM shirt in 2002, right after her breakup with Justin Timberlake. My loneliness is killing me it.

Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore en route to the Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle premiere in 2003. Oh how I adore this picture, let me count the ways: the open (glass) containers and bottle cheers. The smoky eyes. The low-slung leather pants and butterfly tattoo. So much to love, so much to make you feel like you’re a few vodka Red Bulls deep and wearing a “going out top.” Drew’s choice: a “my boyfriend is out of town” tee—condolences to Fabrizio Moretti, Strokes drummer and Drew’s boyfriend at the time.

Team Jolie vs. Team Aniston walked so Team Jeremiah vs. Team Conrad could run. Kitson, the Von Dutch studded LA boutique I pored through at age 17 under the guise of visiting California colleges, made these shirts in the wake of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s 2005 divorce and his subsequent (er, concurrent) relationship with his Mr. and Mrs. Smith costar. Paris & Nicky Hilton bring sibling rivalry to a whole new level in this shot that, if you scratched it, would smell like Clinique Happy and Juicy Tubes lip gloss.

Desperate housewife, desperate message (for those whose reading comprehension is cut off by the early aughts apropos power beads, it says “I’ll Have Your Baby, Brad.”) Eva Longoria wore the shirt, also from Kitson, during the Team Jolie vs. Team Aniston frenzy in 2005 and has since apologized to Jennifer Aniston for this bold and slightly insane choice.

This one’s evidence for the defense in any case that prosecutes Taylor Swift for taking herself too seriously. Swift stepped out in a “no it’s becky” shirt in 2014 after a viral Tumblr post (pictured at left). In the post, someone used an old pic of Tay to tell a fake, D.A.R.E.-adjacent story about their friend “Becky.” Anddd Taylor took their words right out of their mouth Tumblr.

Honorable mention to the infamous I <3 TS shirt worn by Tom Hiddleston in Watch Hill during their three-month romance. It was rare, I felt like I was there, I remember it all too well.

Malia Obama, then first daughter, ashing out the haters in 2016. She wore this weeks after a picture surfaced of her reportedly smoking pot—gasp!—at Lollapalooza.

Melania Trump visiting a migrant child detention center in 2018 wearing a Zara jacket with the message “I REALLY DON’T CARE, DO U?” Her reps initially claimed it was “just a jacket” but Melania later clarified that it was aimed at “the left wing media who are criticizing me,” not the children in crisis who’d been separated from their parents. Classic mixup.

Hailey Bieber walking straight into the discourse while looking hot and Rhode peptide lip treated (per usual) in 2023.

Rihanna telling us all to leave her tf alone last year.

And that’s the last look! Any stand-outs I missed? Comment with your favorite or most memorable celeb fashion moments.

Have a great day, wear a great shirt, send a message…or just send your friend this post to reminisce on simpler times when a t-shirt could break the Internet.